Out On The Terrace

"The stars lean down to kiss you, and I lie awake and miss you. Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere."

I couldn't help but smile up at the stars, well, all the ones you can see through the lights and haze of another Denver night. Though I leaned against the cold metal railing of our condo's terrace, in my mind I danced to music that had leaked down from the cosmos, my heart exploring far away planets for something that it would never find. That one little piece that had me on the edge of breaking. My lips tingled from the bitter-sweet memories, memories that are twirling between dreams and reality. They're memories that I've lost track of whether they are dreams or reality, and are buried deep in the abyss of my soul. They taste strangely like strawberries. Slowly, but surely, everything starts to melt together, slipping away silently like a storm in the night, leaving my soul to reach for the sapphire sky. Everything empties my mind, everything but you.

"While I forget the world that I knew, but I swear I won't forget you. I'd send a postcard to you dear, 'cause I wish you were here-"

"Mind if I cut in?" Mom leaned out the door and stepped onto the terrace, hitting pause on my iPod, simultaneously shattering my thoughts. The smell of warm bread and butter fills the air, offsetting the bitterness of strawberries that lingered tenaciously on my tongue.
"No prob," I sighed, "Come on out. It's a free county, after all," I smiled at her, then examined my shoes.
"Hmmm….." She leaned on the railing next to me, examining the lights of a city that was never quite asleep. She examined the few lazy cars still driving down the brightly lit streets, and I joined her, smiling as the soft city lights caressed the night. "So, what you thinking about Hun?"
"Eh, school, friends, the usual." The question-answer game. I wasn't going to give an inch this time. "Why?"
"Huh." She still smiled, but you could tell by the slight downward curl that she wasn't done yet. The game was on. "Then why are you out here alone, on a crisp fall evening, drowning yourself in Owl City?" Check.
"I'm just worried about my grades, that's all." I parried her swing.
"Your have straight A's. But nice try." Ah, a lunge! I smiled, knowing my next move.
"I may have a B in Spanish." I'd dodged the volley, "It's on the edge. No me gusta mi profesora, tu sabes." Oh ho, check.
"You sound fine to me," She smirked, knowing the inevitable.
"Mom, you don't speak Spanish." Check and mate.
"Fine, fine, I surrender," She put her hands up in submission and backed away from the railing. "Uncle, uncle, you've defeated me. If you don't want to tell me, fine." Darn, she's good. "But when you want to talk, I'll be inside." She patted my shoulder, hitting play as she left. How did she know? So unfair.

"Breathe, and I'll carry you away, into the velvet sky, and we'll stir the stars around, and watch them fall away, into the Hudson Bay, and plummet out of sight and sound."

Owl City washed over my brain, dancing with my soul and taunting my imagination until my mind took flight once again. How could I explain? How would she know? Or understand? Who could know what I was thinking in this one silent moment? It was so complicated.

"I believe there are beautiful things seen by the astronauts."

How could you tell someone who puts all her fallen aspirations and high expectations on you that you feel like you just aren't enough anymore? That you're not the perfect little girl you used to be? How could you tell a mother that her baby girl doubts herself, and starts to think that maybe she needs something…. more? That something went wrong, and that her ideal daughter just got lost in the process?
All my life I'd had a set path, a plan that I'd had from the start, and I told myself that was enough. It was a fantasy I'd always had, every little detail planned out. I saw the failures of my older siblings and vowed to fix them, hoping that with perfection would come love and pride of parents that were too busy for anyone but themselves. I had convinced myself that I was enough, if I could just followed every little detail set before me, reached for that perfection that I could never see. I thought that I had enough in me to go on forever, to please everyone. For the most part, I did. I'd pleased everyone, everyone but myself.  Happy-go-lucky pleases everyone, but leaves you feeling utterly lost and alone. In my own perfect plan I had somehow misplaced those ideals, and all that was left was a very lost me.

"It's hard to say that I'd rather say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep, because my dreams are bursting at the seams."

How can you tell a father that you've lost hope in yourself? That you want to go a different path? And that you search for something you can't find in yourself? A piece only someone else can fill?

"I am not my own, for I have been made new. Please don't let me go, I desperately need you."

I smiled sadly at the stars, waiting for solace that only I could find. What I wanted to find was nothing something, but someone. I wanted to find someone who wouldn't expect anything from me. Someone who would hug me even if art was my passion, and science was just a hobby. Someone who would love me with all my quirks and mistakes, someone who would hold me when I've screwed up, and someone who would follow me when I'm wrong and laugh with me when I'm right.

"Didn't you know love could shine this bright? So smile because you're the deer in the headlights."

There is one thing that no amount of smiling and pretending could do, and to get it I would have to brave a new path, even if that meant disappointing and breaking my parents. It's path that only I can find, a quest to heal a place only someone else can fill.
Light from the streetlamps danced through the air and swayed as it alighted on my hand, while the wind played with my hair and tickled my ears. The freshly fallen leaves from the old maple above our apartment swirled in the breeze, dancing elaborate tangos as they whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

"A foxtrot above my head, a sock hop beneath my bed. A disco ball is just hanging by a thread."

Gazing out at the moon, high above the city, I wondered if you could see it's beauty. If the soft blue light played your soul like a elegant piano, just like it does mine, and if you were looking at it and thinking of me. I took small comfort from the fact that no matter what I had to do to get to you, you'd be waiting for me. Even if you were far away, you'd be dreaming under the same enchanting moon, and that the same beautiful stars winked goodnight to both of us. Someday I knew I'd find my way into your arms, but for the moment I was content to just share the magic of that night with you.
The door creaked open a bit, making me jump out of my skin. "Ready yet?" My mom whispered, pulling me back to reality.

"Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't want to live there."

"No Mom," I smiled at her, but I couldn't put my heart into it. "I'm not. I don't think I ever will be. At least, not with you."
"What?" My mom looked hurt, her eyes rimmed with betrayal as they followed me while I picked up my iPod speaker and walked past her. "What do you mean?"
"Nothing Mom," I sighed, taking one last glance at the moon, bidding it a sad farewell. For now. "It's just…… It's complicated."

"I believe there are beautiful things seen by the astronauts."

"Wake me if you're out there!"